Beware of Self-Importance

I never realized I had fans until I attended the Powermorphicon this summer.  It was wonderful to know that people enjoyed my work and found me inspiring.  It was what I had always wished for...celebrity.

Beware what you wish for, it might just come true.  Trying to keep real in the glamour of fan-dom is an impossibility.  Wonderful people saying wonderful things about wonderful me!  My signature a coveted and treasured item!  Flash, flash, pictures with me a must have!  My opinion solicited and prized!  Exclamation point, exclamation point!!!

Acclaim is addictive.  At first, it draws you in with warm, fuzzy feelings of self-worth.  Maybe what I do is really valuable.  As time goes on and more fan-love is poured on you, self-worth morphs into self-importance.  Self-value is a given.  Entitlement steps forward and says that not only do you deserve this acclaim, it is your God-given right.  After all, I am me am I not.......

On the third day of the Power Rangers convention, I had an epiphany.  I realized that although I love my fans, I need to reside in the real world.  I could too easily become a monster with too much fan-love.  Just as I don't drink to excess, I can't over-indulge in acclaim because, like I'm a mean drunk, I have the potential to be a mean ego-maniac.

I've decided that Andy Warhol's fifteen minutes is about all the fame I can handle.  As an actor, I know I'm not truly stable.  Acting has always been an outlet for dealing with my personal issues.  Acclaim distracts me from my "loose screws."  I can handle that for about fifteen minutes.  But the issues don't disappear.  More than fifteen minutes of fame and they just get buried under the self-importance and eventually they will burst out in some unhealthy way.  They will escape, God help us all.  Mayhem!  Binge eating, burst of temper, tantrums.

To be truthful, I always dreamed of being famous...great roles, awards, celebrity.  The reality in Hollywood is that for an older, large-size woman that dream comes in small doses.  I love that people remember me from Power Rangers.  They so generously gave me my superlative fifteen minutes of fame.  My reality, however, is that I have had a small acting career.  I've had the great pleasure of doing most of the things I wanted to do, just not to the level I had hoped.  But I love my real career--teaching.  I love being a real teacher and I'm grateful to the Power Rangers fans who recognized the teacher in me before I recognized it myself.

Fame is a great place to visit, but I don't want to live there.  I am happy that my students push my buttons, burst my ego-balloon, and remind me that I'm just another human being.  They don't let me get too big for my britches.  They keep me real and I like being real.

However, Power Rangers fans...I love you dearly and I'll be back for another fifteen minutes when I feel I can handle it.