Green-Eyed Monster

Surfing the net, I discovered that someone who used to be my friend is doing well. I am fighting to bless their success and be grateful for what I learned from them, but I find myself needing to pick up my sword and shield to fight that great green monster--jealousy.

I find myself judging my life by the standard of someone who never valued what I valued. We always had different paths, different dreams, different criteria for assessing success. Money was their standard. I wanted to follow my heart. They wanted me to follow the money. Contentment was my standard of success. And, to be truthful, most of the time I am content. But money is a great thing. I'd love to have more. Mostly, I'd like to have enough to be generous and to travel. But I have not been blessed with money. I have accomplishment--an education, respect, friends. Sometimes that doesn't feel like enough. What if they were right and I was wrong?

The J dragon rears its ugly head and combat begins. Inside the battle rages. I strive for the high ground, positive self-talk, but years of berating my choices, my lifestyle, push me into a corner. I pray, I meditate, I practice my affirmations, but the wiley green monster peeks around the corner and sticks out its tongue. I try to put it out of my mind, and fire streaks out of its mouth and sears my resolve.

I suppose we all have our never ending wars. Mine come at my own invitation. My self-confidence is a fragile thing and like a kid with a skinned knee, I pick at it never allowing self-esteem to really heal and become strong. I keep trying. Maybe by the time I'm 90, I'll succeed.