Intersecting Lives

Today a student blurted out in class that the only time the people around her were happy was when she isn't. Then she abruptly left the room. I knew what she was feeling. It is not that the people in my life wish me unhappy, it is that I don't seem to be able to grasp the happiness for myself.

My student doesn't recognize her worth. She has embraced an attitude of worthlessness and doesn't seem to be able to see her value. Surprise! I'm right there with her.

I am afraid of success. I don't know it even when I achieve it. I can't value my accomplishments because I made them. What's the old Groucho Marx quote? "I wouldn't want to belong to a club that would have me."

Now don't feel sorry for me. I do that enough for myself. Besides, I'm learning to recognize my value bit by bit. It is mainly when I see a student with ability sabotage herself and cut herself off from help that my own demons raise their ugly heads and hiss at me. They taunt me with my failures, my limitations, my mistakes. They know I embrace failure because I know how to deal with it. It is success I don't know how to work with.

After sixty-one years, you might think I'd have a clue. But I'm clueless. Maybe by the time I'm seventy-one I'll get a glimmer.